I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I wish this was real life…
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.