“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
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There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
This took me a second..
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
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Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way