LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
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*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?