hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
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in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
A classic…