Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.