Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
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I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Damn he played himself
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”