My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
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In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Unimpressed
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy