knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
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I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Sending in my taxes
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…