If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
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Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
#TopTip
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I love wikipedia
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”