I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
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It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Oh we’ve met.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*