How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
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“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
wishing you and yours all the best
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
pep talk
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”