Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
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Cat is stressing him out.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
pls suprot
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.