The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
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I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.