If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
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I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Autocorrect is my menesis
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE