Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I beg your pardon?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
So we got a goldfish…
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun