love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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Stop sending me this shit.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
reminder
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Oh thanks BBC.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT