Practicing safe sax
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INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me recordaron éste meme
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!