Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure