BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
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Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
The happy life.. 😊
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Schrödinger’s cookie
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.