Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
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WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
WHO DID THIS?
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Human are so complicated
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I don’t think my car can fly
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
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