“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
You Might Also Like
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I am a gravy boat captain
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*