As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
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Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
こいつ天才
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!