[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
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It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.