Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
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*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?