Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
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We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
mood
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.