My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
You Might Also Like
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
So sick of all these stupid rules