[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
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Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
How can I say no to this ?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.