The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
6: are snakes just neck?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I just stopped by to water my horse.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here