“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…