[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
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[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.