*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
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OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants