Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
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ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.