I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
You Might Also Like
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
According to math, I’m broke
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.