Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
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I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
😜
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.