First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
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*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault