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You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”