[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
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Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary: