Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
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So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Strange
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
*looks at you in batman voice*