My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
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A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke