I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
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Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
This is my emotional support knife.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.