When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
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There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.