“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.