i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
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I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.