Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
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Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?