[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
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me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
This is a bad sign
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table