recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
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I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I’m crying im so happy for them
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.