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Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
can’t believe I got front row seats
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”