My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
You Might Also Like
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
i really liked this one
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”