I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
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Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Just this preview of the story is enough
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.