If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
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My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!